Single and ready to lick the salt and vinegar off Pringles…

Single, uno, one , individual , singular, unitary, solitary, free, spouseless, living with parents, separate, unattached , unpaired,unwed, unmarried,independent ….

Shall I go on or are you catching my drift? Yeah it’s just me again single Lu. Let’s get one thing ship shape and illuminated in neon lights before we continue …Alone but not lonely. So here’s a post for all those struggling to settle into life as a singleton.

Never go to traffic light parties. It’s a lose/ lose situation. You wear red, people think you need to get over yourself. You wear green, you might as well have strolled in a leopard print thong because green screams easy peasy lemon squeezy. Think you’ve got it solved by wearing amber *family fortunes incorrect buzzer* now you’re sending out the message that you’re actually in a relationship and willing to cheat if the person is good looking. Leave well alone.

Being single means you can sleep around. Yes you heard correctly. I can sleep all over my bed – left, right,middle, starfish- I can literally sleep all over that sh*t And I get the whole duvet.

Don’t double/triple/quadruple text. If they didn’t reply to the first one, they aren’t going to reply to the second, third or fourth. No.just.no. Delete the number, erase it from your memory and don’t try to “accidentally” bump into them. In more extreme cases enlist a friend to tape oven gloves to your hands. Got no friends? You’ve got bigger problems to deal with, life assessment required sharpish.

Learn to take pleasure in watching the demise of relationships on Facebook. Too far? I’ll tell you what’s too far seeing nonsense like “I love my boyf so much,he’s the best that ever happened to me, I can’t imagine life without him”… Fast forward 2 months to a screen shot of his risqué texts to the blonde from work. Well those who shout the loudest

Please don’t do sad statuses like “so sick of being single”and “I wish I had someone to spoon”. Suck it up mate – you’re obviously not doing single life right. If I want to lick the flavour off my favourite crisps there’s no one to judge me, and you know what if I want the last rolo…it’s all mine!

If you take nothing else from the post, listen to this rule. Most importantly, above the rest, something you should always live by – NEVER NEVER EVER dance to Single ladies. Beyoncé you’re a Goddess so please forgive me, but even slightly twitching your hand to this song is social singleton suicide.

Sure I don’t have someone to take advantage of Wowcher restaurant deals with, but apparently people in relationships put on an average of a stone. Swings and roundabouts? So come on now enjoy life for what it is and if someone fits into that life one day, amazing! And if no one comes along (chill out there’s always match.com) make sure you don’t let life pass you by while you’re looking for love.

But on a different note if anyone knows a Christian Grey – I’m available. Hey, I’m happy but I’m not stupid….

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